In the aftermath of the stunning Kansas victory, we received this transcript of a call to Big 12 headquarters leaked by a source we'll identify only as "B. Bowlsby." Ah, that's too obvious. Let's say, "Bob B."
Caller 1: Thank you for calling Big 12 customer service. How may I direct your call?
Caller 2: Um, returns, I guess.
Caller 1: Hold please.
"Dust in the Wind" by Kansas plays.
Caller 3: Big 12 returns and exchanges. May I ask who's calling?
Caller 2: Yes, this is Greg Sankey.
Caller 3: How can we help you, Mr. Sankey?
Caller 2: I have two football teams I'd like to return.
Caller 3: I see. Was there a problem with your purchase?
Caller 2: Yes. I think they may be defective.
Caller 3: OK, sir. Do you have a receipt?
Caller 2: Well, no, but Texas A&M did leak the news of our purchase to its local newspaper. Will that suffice?
Caller 3: I'm sorry, sir. We require a receipt to process any returns.
Caller 2: I see. Well, what about store credit? We could be interested in possibly picking up a Cincinnati in a year or two.
Caller 3: Again, I'm sorry. Cincinnati is on back order currently.
Caller 2: Ah, OK. Well this is certainly disappointing.
Caller 3: Is there anything more I can do for you, sir?
Caller 2: One last question. I notice you're adding UCF. I'm wondering if you might be interested in having a local rival for them? We've got some Florida baggage we're looking to unload at a very affordable price.
Caller 2: Hello?
Caller 2: We can throw in the Texas monkey, too. Hello?