Texas Longhorn Joke Thread

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Stu

Wrangler
Oct 16, 2007
192
0
0
Lat 29.45.47 Long -95.21.47
#21
UNIVERSITY OF TEXAS ENTRANCE EXAM FOOTBALL PLAYER VERSION
(Time Limit: 3 Weeks)
1. What language is spoken in France?
2. Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions -OR- give the first name of Pierre Trudeau.
3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to:
(a) build a bridge
(b) sail the ocean
(c) lead an army
(d) WRITE A PLAY
4. What religion is the Pope? (please check only one answer)
(a) Jewish
(b) Catholic
(c) Hindu
(d) Polish
(e) Agnostic
5. Metric conversion. How many feet is 0.0 meters?
6. What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 5?
7. How many commandments was Moses given? (approximately)
8. What are people in America's far north called?
(a) Westerners
(b) Southerners
(c) Northerners
9. Spell -- Bush, Carter and Clinton
10. Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being George the Sixth. Name the previous five.
11. Where does rain come from?
(a) Macy's
(b) a 7-11
(c) Canada
(d) the sky
12. Can you explain Einstein's Theory of Relativity?
(a) yes
(b) no
13. What are coat hangers used for?
14. The Star Spangled Banner is the National Anthem for what country?
15. Explain Le Chatelier's Principle of Dynamic Equilibrium -OR- spell your name in BLOCK LETTERS.
16. Where is the basement in a three story building located?
17. Which part of America produces the most oranges?
(a) New York
(b) Florida
(c) Canada
(d) Wisconsin
18. Advanced math. If you have three apples how many apples do you have? 19. What does NBC (National Broadcasting Corp.) stand for?
*You must answer three or more questions correctly to qualify*
 
Jan 15, 2007
3,113
297
1,713
#24
Q: What do India and Texas have in common?

A: They both worship cows.

A true and short story. My sister, who lives in Austin, has a friend from India.
When she first moved to Austin she was amazed at what a progressive city Austin was. She marveled at how almost every car in Austin celebrated and revered females. Why else, she thought, would they have a silhouette of the female reproductive organs. The silhouette, as you might have guessed, is the longhorn symbol.
 

Stu

Wrangler
Oct 16, 2007
192
0
0
Lat 29.45.47 Long -95.21.47
#25
Coach Brown was seeking advice all around the NCAA on what ingredient makes for a winning football team. He eventually sought out Mike Gundy who told him that the MOST important thing to having a winning football team was to have a quarterback who was extremely smart and as proof he took him over to quarterback, Zac Robinson, and asked Zac this question: "Who is your father's brother's nephew?" Zac without hesitating a moment answered, "Me."

When Brown returned to the Longhorns practice facilities, he went over to Colt McCoy and asked him the same question: "Who is your father's brother's nephew?" Colt thought about it for a moment and told the coach he needed some more time to come up with the right answer. Then Colt went over to Jamaal Charles and asked Jamaal the same question. Jamaal, replied, "Why it's me!"

So Colt went back to Coach Brown and said, "I have the answer, it's Jamaal Charles." "No, No!" replied Brown, "you're wrong, it's Zac Robinson."
 

leprechaun7

Erin Go Bragh
A/V Subscriber
Feb 26, 2007
3,101
1,368
1,743
Kansas City, MO
seanpharkin.wordpress.com
#27
The Texas Longhorn Football Team walks into a talent agency. It's the offense, defense, special teams, coaches and Beavo. The head coach says to the talent agent, "We have a really amazing act. You should represent us."

The agent says, "Sorry, I don't represent team acts. They're a little too cute."

The defense says, "Sir, if you just see our act, we know you would want to represent us."

The agent says, "OK. OK. I'll take a look."

So the scene opens up with Mack Brown #$@$&$#%#$%# %#%#$%#$%# $$$$# in the offense's @#$@#^%$@## with harpsichords and lasagna in @#&#@$@#$$$$#@#$.

After a couple of minutes of that the offense barges in and @#$@#$^#^((((^#$%#$ with Cap'n Crunch and Highlighters and the defense is like WHOAAAA and then Beavo comes in and @#$@#$@$@#$#@$ in the @#$@#%(#%*%#$to the strategically placed soundtrack of "300" and then Colt McCoy comes out of a trap door.

At this point, the Texas cheer squad drops in from the ceiling on bungie chords and #@$%$@#$@# Mack with lime Jell-0 in the #@$@#$@#. Yes, lime Jell-0.

While the offense is on all fours, the defense decides to @#$#@$@ and it's @#$@#$$@ ridiculous. The special teams finally makes an appearance and does a fantastic tap dance to the Kidz Bop version of "Gin and Juice".

Limas Sweed hobbles in on crutches and #@$@#$@#$@#$@#$@the defense's %!$%!%@#$ and somehow manages to make it happen with a thimble!

And then for the final act the Texas A&M Listeater makes a special visit and eats Beavo whole. And then some fireworks go off and there is much rejoicing.

For the longest time, the agent just sits in silence. Finally, he manages, "That's a hell of an act. What do you call it?"

And the head coach says, "The Aristocrats!