A woman was walking through her new house in Austin with the contractor. As they walked through rooms, she told him what color she wanted him to paint each room. In the bedroom she said, "I think this would be nice in a cream." The contractor stuck his head out of the window and yelled, "GREEN SIDE UP!" This perplexed the woman. They moved to the living room and she said, I would love rose in this area." Again the contractor strolled over to the window and yelled, "GREEN SIDE UP!" Again the woman was confused but did not say anything. As they walked into the kitchen she proudly announced that she wanted this room to be, " a glorious shade of mauve." Once again the contractor went to the window and yelled,"GREEN SIDE UP!" Finally she could not stand this anymore. "What are you shouting GREEN SIDE UP out every window of this house?" He replied,"I'm sorry. I have a crew of Texas students laying sod across the street."
A friend's husband graduated from one of the "other" Big-12 schools. He was rather house-work challenged. One day he decided to wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to my friend, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"
"It depends," my friend replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
Two Texas offensive linemen are told that they cannot play anymore college football until they successfully pass a required exam that they have both missed. So, the instructor gets them in an exam room by themselves, lays out the test and says, "You have 45 minutes to complete the exam. I will return to grade your papers", and he leaves the room.
The first lineman opens the test and reads the first question aloud. "Old McDonald had a blank. Man, this first one is hard!" He elbows his teammate and asks him what the answer is. The second lineman answers, "You Meathead, it's 'Old McDonald had a FARM.'" So they both start to write down the answer.
Then the first lineman says, "Hey, how do you spell farm?"
The second lineman says, "Boy you are an ignorant Meathead. You spell farm, E-I-E-I-O!"
Two Longhorn fans were working for the city works department.
One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in. They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved onto the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one guy digging a hole, the other guy filling it in again.
An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, "I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting into your work, but I don't get it -- why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?"
The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, "Well, it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-man team. But today the guy who plants the trees called in sick."
A OSU student was stopped by a game warden at the lake recently. The student had two ice chests full of fish. The game warden, a Texas grad, asked him, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"
"No, sir, I don't have a license. These are my pet fish," replied the Cowboy. "Every night I take my fish out to the lake and let them swim around for a while. Then I whistle and they jump right back into this ice chest and I take them home."
The warden said, "That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that!"
The O-Stater looked at the game warden for a moment and then said, "It's the truth. I'll show you, it really works."
"OK, I've GOT to see this!" responded the warden.
The O-Stater poured the fish into the lake and stood and waited. After several minutes, the game warden turned to him and said, "Well?"
A O-State Ag student in town for the last game in Austin got pulled over by a campus cop for speeding. The officer proceeded to lecture the student about his speed and to throw his weight around to try to make the out-of-area student uncomfortable.
Finally, the officer got around to writing out the ticket. As he was doing so he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.
The student asked, "Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?"
The cop stopped writing the ticket and replied, "Well yeah, if that's what they are. I never heard of circle flies.
The O-Stater says, "Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."
The cop grunts, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute he stops and says, "Hey ... wait a minute, are you calling me a horse's ass?"
The student says, "Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horse's ass."
The cop says, "Well, that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket.
After a long pause, the student says, "Hard to fool them flies though."
A little boy and his mother were walking in a Austin cemetary when they came
upon a headstone that read "Here lies a Texas graduate and an honest man."
The little boy asked, "Mommy, why did they bury 2 people in there?"
Q : How do you come to own a small business in Texas?
A : Start a large business and put an UT grad in charge of it.
Q: How many Texas football players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one. But he gets money, a car, and three credit hours for it.
Two men, a OSU Cowboy and a Texas Longhorn, were using a public restroom.
The Longhorn noticed that the Cowboy didn't wash his hands afterward and said smugly
"Hey, at UT they teach us to wash our hands after using the restroom."
"Oh really? Well, in Stillwater we're taught not to pee on our hands."
A young ventriloquist is touring Texas and stops to entertain at a bar in Austin.
He's doing his usual stupid Redneck jokes when a Texas Linebacker in the audience stands up and says
"I've heard just about enough of your smart ass redneck jokes; we ain't all stupid here in Texas."
Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the linebacker pipes up:
"You stay out of this mister, I'm talking to the smart ass little fella on your knee!"
Two drunk texas longhorn students were driving home one night from the bar down a country road outside of Austin. As they were driving, they notice a sheep with his head stuck in a roadside fence. Not wanting to miss an opportuniy, the longhorn passenger yelled at his longhorn buddy to stop the truck. When the truck stopped, the longhorn passenger jumped out of the pickup and proceeded to make sweet love to the sheep. When he was done, not wanting to leave his buddy out, he yelled back at the pickup and asked if his longhorn buddy wanted a turn. The longhorn driver jumped out of the pickup, ran over and stuck is head through the fence.