Texas Longhorn Joke Thread

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Aug 31, 2007
332
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Dallas Texas
#1
Where was OJ hiding before the famous white bronco chase?

Austin, that's the last place people would look to find a football player.

What do you call a drug ring in Austin Texas?

A huddle

Keep it going fellas.:p
 
Sep 17, 2007
4,427
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Stillwater
#3
- Four UT Longhorns in a car, who's driving?
The police.

The UT Longhorns have adopted a new 'Honor System'.
Yes your Honor, No your Honor.

The UT Longhorns knew they had to do something for their defense, so they hired a new defensive coordinator:
F. Lee Bailey.

How do the UT Longhorns spend their first week at fall practice?
Studying their Miranda Rights.

What do you say to a Longhorn in a suit?
Will the defendant please rise?

If you see Longhorn football player on a bike, why don't you swerve to hit him?
It might be your bike!

The Longhorns employ scouts.
But to look out for cops, not to scout high school kids.

I heard a rumor that the Texas Department of Corrections plans build a new prison in Austin, Texas in order to allow Longhorns to walk to school.

What do you call it, when a Longhorn goes on vacation?
Time off for good behavior.

Why couldn't the Longhorn get into a huddle on the football field?
It's a parole violation to associate with known felons.

Obviously Coach Mack Brown is not paying his players if they have to resort to robbing people.
 
Aug 31, 2007
332
0
0
Dallas Texas
#4
Four UT Longhorns in a car, who’s driving?

The police.

The UT Longhorns have adopted a new “Honor System”.
Yes your Honor, No your Honor.

How do the UT Longhorns spend their first week at fall practice?
Studying their Miranda Rights.

Why couldn’t the Longhorn get into a huddle on the football
field?
It’s a parole violation to associate with known felons.
 

Stu

Wrangler
Oct 16, 2007
192
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Lat 29.45.47 Long -95.21.47
#5
The NCAA started a investigation into grade fixing at UT.

The NCAA official called in Mack Brown and Colt McCoy.

The NCAA official told Colt, "I'm just going to ask a few questions to determine your mental abilities learned from your fine institution. Of course, any wrong answer made lead to sanctions."

NCAA guy: "Okay Colt, what is 2 + 2?"

Colt: "4"

Mack: "Give him one more chance! Please!"
 
Sep 17, 2007
4,427
163
693
Stillwater
#6
A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is a Texas Longhorn fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they are Texas fans too.

Not really knowing what a Texas fan was, but wanting to be liked by their teacher, their hands fly into the air. There is, however, one exception.

A little girl named Janet has not gone along with the crowd. The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different.

"Because I'm not an a Texas fan" she reports.

"Then," asks the teacher, "what are you?"

"I'm a proud Oklahoma State University Cowboy fan" boasts the little girl.

The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Janet why she is a Cowboy fan.

"Well, my Dad and Mom are Cowboy fans, so I'm a Cowboy fan too" she responds.

The teacher is angry now "That's no reason," she says loudly. "What if your mom was a moron, and your dad was an idiot. What would you be then?"

Janet smiles and says, "Then I'd be a Texas fan."
 
Sep 17, 2007
4,427
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Stillwater
#13
A woman was walking through her new house in Austin with the contractor. As they walked through rooms, she told him what color she wanted him to paint each room. In the bedroom she said, "I think this would be nice in a cream." The contractor stuck his head out of the window and yelled, "GREEN SIDE UP!" This perplexed the woman. They moved to the living room and she said, I would love rose in this area." Again the contractor strolled over to the window and yelled, "GREEN SIDE UP!" Again the woman was confused but did not say anything. As they walked into the kitchen she proudly announced that she wanted this room to be, " a glorious shade of mauve." Once again the contractor went to the window and yelled,"GREEN SIDE UP!" Finally she could not stand this anymore. "What are you shouting GREEN SIDE UP out every window of this house?" He replied,"I'm sorry. I have a crew of Texas students laying sod across the street."


A friend's husband graduated from one of the "other" Big-12 schools. He was rather house-work challenged. One day he decided to wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to my friend, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"

"It depends," my friend replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"

He yelled back, "University of Texas."

And they say blondes are dumb...
 
Sep 17, 2007
4,427
163
693
Stillwater
#14
Two Texas offensive linemen are told that they cannot play anymore college football until they successfully pass a required exam that they have both missed. So, the instructor gets them in an exam room by themselves, lays out the test and says, "You have 45 minutes to complete the exam. I will return to grade your papers", and he leaves the room.

The first lineman opens the test and reads the first question aloud. "Old McDonald had a blank. Man, this first one is hard!" He elbows his teammate and asks him what the answer is. The second lineman answers, "You Meathead, it's 'Old McDonald had a FARM.'" So they both start to write down the answer.

Then the first lineman says, "Hey, how do you spell farm?"

The second lineman says, "Boy you are an ignorant Meathead. You spell farm, E-I-E-I-O!"
 
Sep 17, 2007
4,427
163
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Stillwater
#15
Two Longhorn fans were working for the city works department.

One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in. They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved onto the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one guy digging a hole, the other guy filling it in again.

An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, "I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting into your work, but I don't get it -- why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?"

The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, "Well, it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-man team. But today the guy who plants the trees called in sick."

________________________________________________
A OSU student was stopped by a game warden at the lake recently. The student had two ice chests full of fish. The game warden, a Texas grad, asked him, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"

"No, sir, I don't have a license. These are my pet fish," replied the Cowboy. "Every night I take my fish out to the lake and let them swim around for a while. Then I whistle and they jump right back into this ice chest and I take them home."

The warden said, "That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that!"

The O-Stater looked at the game warden for a moment and then said, "It's the truth. I'll show you, it really works."

"OK, I've GOT to see this!" responded the warden.

The O-Stater poured the fish into the lake and stood and waited. After several minutes, the game warden turned to him and said, "Well?"

"Well what?"

"When are you going to call them back?"

"Call who back?"

"The FISH!" yelled the game warden.

"What fish?"
 
Sep 17, 2007
4,427
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Stillwater
#16
A O-State Ag student in town for the last game in Austin got pulled over by a campus cop for speeding. The officer proceeded to lecture the student about his speed and to throw his weight around to try to make the out-of-area student uncomfortable.

Finally, the officer got around to writing out the ticket. As he was doing so he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.

The student asked, "Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?"

The cop stopped writing the ticket and replied, "Well yeah, if that's what they are. I never heard of circle flies.

The O-Stater says, "Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."

The cop grunts, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute he stops and says, "Hey ... wait a minute, are you calling me a horse's ass?"

The student says, "Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horse's ass."

The cop says, "Well, that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket.

After a long pause, the student says, "Hard to fool them flies though."
 
Sep 17, 2007
4,427
163
693
Stillwater
#17
A little boy and his mother were walking in a Austin cemetary when they came
upon a headstone that read "Here lies a Texas graduate and an honest man."
The little boy asked, "Mommy, why did they bury 2 people in there?"

Q : How do you come to own a small business in Texas?
A : Start a large business and put an UT grad in charge of it.

Q: How many Texas football players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one. But he gets money, a car, and three credit hours for it.

Two men, a OSU Cowboy and a Texas Longhorn, were using a public restroom.
The Longhorn noticed that the Cowboy didn't wash his hands afterward and said smugly
"Hey, at UT they teach us to wash our hands after using the restroom."
"Oh really? Well, in Stillwater we're taught not to pee on our hands."

A young ventriloquist is touring Texas and stops to entertain at a bar in Austin.
He's doing his usual stupid Redneck jokes when a Texas Linebacker in the audience stands up and says
"I've heard just about enough of your smart ass redneck jokes; we ain't all stupid here in Texas."
Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the linebacker pipes up:
"You stay out of this mister, I'm talking to the smart ass little fella on your knee!"
 

PanhandleCowboy

Point Guard
A/V Subscriber
Jun 22, 2006
5,115
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Not Close Enough to Stillwater
#18
Two drunk texas longhorn students were driving home one night from the bar down a country road outside of Austin. As they were driving, they notice a sheep with his head stuck in a roadside fence. Not wanting to miss an opportuniy, the longhorn passenger yelled at his longhorn buddy to stop the truck. When the truck stopped, the longhorn passenger jumped out of the pickup and proceeded to make sweet love to the sheep. When he was done, not wanting to leave his buddy out, he yelled back at the pickup and asked if his longhorn buddy wanted a turn. The longhorn driver jumped out of the pickup, ran over and stuck is head through the fence.:D
 

Poke4Christ

Federal Marshal
Aug 2, 2005
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Edmond, OK
#19
Austin's modo is "Keep Austin Weird". Little do people know, that's how Mac Brown got hired (I love MB by the way. Think he's a class act).

In addition to the power house football, many players come to UT so that they can be within a 20 minute drive of their dealer.

Little to many people know, the Baylor football program was started by players that fell off the bus on the way to Dallas for the OU game. Seat belts people!!

Players who become longhorns are compensating.